Tactics

The Boy is now almost 2.  In a child rearing class we attended, we adopted (no pun intended) a technique to promote first time obedience.  It’s a simple one.  While he was still quite young, when we asked him or told him to do something, we followed it with “Yes, mommy” or “Yes, Daddy,” respectively.  We nodded our heads and, eventually, he started nodding along with us.  It wasn’t registering (he only obeyed maybe 50% of the time), but the habit was forming.

As he’s getting older, he’s getting the “game.”  When we say “Yes, daddy,” he nods.  Obedience is up to about 90% when he nods.  The idea is simple: We function on some basic principles even before we have morals to logic through.  Even a child has an innate sense of what we might call honor.  When they give their “yes” they feel something inside pushing them to do what they ssaid they would do.  I can’t really tell you why it’s there, but I can tell you that *it is.*

So, we’re using this technique for first time obedience for lots of things.  When we need to leave the room, we tell him that we’re leaving and what we’re doing and that we’re coming back.  We follow it with a “yes daddy,” he nods and occasionally says, “yesh,” and we do our thing with no crying about us leaving the room for a minute.  How does this relate to a sleepless baby?

Well, in my last post, I forgot to tell you how we ended up getting him to go to sleep initially.  We discovered that he only got upset if we left the room… very rarely over the fact that we put him in his crib.  Even if he did, we’d stand by and comfort him in the crib and let him know that we weren’t leaving.  We stood by his bedside for a while… weeks probably… until he fell asleep.  Eventually, I started pacing just in front of his crib and he was cool.  Then, I started pacing all around the room and he was cool.  Eventually, I paced over to the rocking chair and sat down.  He couldn’t see me over his mesh (like padding, but a fine mesh that just keeps arms and legs from going in between slats).  He’d pop his head up and see me and lie back down.  He’d repeat often, but eventually go to sleep.  This let me sit and read a book while he went to sleep.  The process typically took about 30 minutes.  Initially, I’d tell him to “ssshh” if he started babbling and definitely told him to lie down and go to sleep if he stood up.  Rarely, I’d actually go and lie him back down.  Sometimes he’d fuss or whine about being told what to do, but it wasn’t crying and it often resolved itself with just a little ignoring.

We put him to sleep like this for months.  I read a ton of books.  It was actually quite nice.  It dissolved down to 15 minutes most of the time.  It was easy, there was no crying and everyone was happy.  Eventually, I started tying the first time obedience technique into the already established plan.  “Give Daddy a hug ‘Good night!’, now you’re going to lay down in your bed and Daddy’s going to sit in the chair. ‘Yes, Daddy’,” and he’d lay down an rarely look up.  i continued this for weeks.  It came in handy a time or two when I acutally had evening plans and his grandma was watching him.  “Give Daddy a hug ‘Goodbye.’  Now Daddy’s going to leave and Grammie is going to put you to bed. ‘Yes, Daddy’,” and I’d leave without crying and Grammie said he’d go down easy while she sat in the chair.

Well, I had to try… So, I changed the instruction to “Daddy’s going to stand in the hall.”  I stood outside his door (a first without crying!).  There were a lot of head pops and a couple of stand ups, but I assured him I wasn’t going anywhere and to lie back down.  I only had to do this twice before the head pops almost stopped.  I moved further down the hallway, now out of sight.  Well, this brought about some more stand ups and some whining.  I quickly stepped into view, re-assured him I was there, he just couldn’t see me and to lie back down.  But, interestingly enough, from the hallway, I could now see and control the TV in our bedroom, thus, making the hallway wait slightly less excruciating.  Every 5 minutes, I’d go in to check on him.  I’d assure him I was just in the hallway and to not stand up.  I’d ask for “yes daddy’s” but didn’t care if he actually nodded since he was moving closer and closer towards sleep.  I’d step back out and into the hallway, just out of sight.  Time to sleep was back up to 30 minutes again, but I was out of the room for the first time.  I still tell him that I’m in the hallway, but I take just a few more steps to our bedroom .  We’re still at 30 minutes, but I’m free to fold laundry, straighten up, lie down, read or watch some TV.  I still go check on him and re-assure him that “I’m in the hallway, (he) just can’t see me, but I’m there,” but it’s down to every 10 minutes.

So, if you’re struggling now, I’d encourage you to try first time obedience training.  When your child gets old enough to understand (likely still months before he’s able to tell you why he can’t go to sleep), you can tell him what the plan is and come up with a plan that works for both of you.  Then, you slowly modify it to work in your favor.  The first time obedience training has obvious other advantages outside of sleep… it’s been tremendous learning just how much he comprehends even if he can’t vocalize it all himself.

~ by Steve "Oz" on September 1, 2008.